NBA To Showcase Disappointments At All-Star 2011

NEW YORK, NY—Last night, NBA Commissioner David Stern announced a controversial change to this year’s All-Star Weekend: instead of the Haier Shooting Stars competition, the Sprite Slam Dunk will be preceded by a game between the Eastern and Western Conferences’ most overpaid players.

The change has concerned some league investors, citing that exposing how bloated some player contracts are will upend the league by demonstrating that some General Managers have absolutely no sports business acumen. But Stern trusts that this game will be a positive new addition to the league’s mid-season extravaganza.

Commissioner Stern demonstrates the amount of cash teams will save thanks to this game.

“The All-Star Weekend is a time for renewal for the league, especially for the players. Giving select players the opportunity to reassert themselves as stars in this league can help them demonstrate to fans all over the world that they deserve every penny they’re paid,” Stern said with a sly grin.

Stern went on to explain the importance of transparency for the most globalized major sports league in the world. “In the best case, this event will be an affirmation for everyone involved. At worst, it will jump-start some much-needed changes in some of our front offices. In the interest of the NBA’s future, I am prepared for either outcome.”

The rosters for the HSBC Contract Classic (shown in full below) consist of a range of NBA talent, including former all-stars (e.g. Rashard Lewis, Vince Carter), players who have made little to no contribution to their teams (e.g. Eddy Curry, Luke Walton) and players who are essentially being paid to not be on the team (Marco Jaric).

And it seems that Commissioner Stern has fully embraced the fan perception of overpaid players, using it to inform the team names and the stakes for the game. “The Eastern and Western Conference both have talented squads, so I expect the competition to be at an all-time high…especially because the losing team will be subject to immediate contract re-negotiations commensurate with their respective performance to date.”

When asked in a press conference whether he was worried about resistance from the NBA Players Association about what clearly violates the current collective bargaining agreement, Stern smiled and said, “I’m David Stern. Next question.”

HSBC Contract Classic

Eight-Figure Bandits

Million-Dollar Gangsters

 

Rashard Lewis

Washington Wizards (15-38)

2010-2011 Salary: $19,573,711

12.9 ppg, 5.9 rpg, 1.7 apg

 

Vince Carter

Phoenix Suns (26-26)

2010-2011 Salary: $17,522,375

15.3 ppg, 4.5 rpg, 2.5 apg

 

Antawn Jamison

Cleveland Cavaliers (9-46)

2010-2011 Salary: $13,358,905

17.2 ppg, 6.6 rpg, 1.6 apg

 

Andris Biedrins

Golden State Warriors (24-29)

2010-2011 Salary: $9,000,000

6.0 ppg, 8.5 rpg, 0.9 bpg

Troy MurphyNew Jersey Nets (17-39) 

2010-2011 Salary: $11,968,253

3.6 ppg, 4.2 rpg, 0.1 bpg

Baron Davis Los Angeles Clippers (20-35) 

2010-2011 Salary: $13,000,000

12.5 ppg, 7.1 apg, 1.4 spg

Eddy Curry

New York Knicks (27-26)

2010-2011 Salary: $11,276,863

0.0 ppg, 0.0 rpg, 0.0 bpg

Samuel Dalembert 

Sacramento Kings (13-38)

2010-2011 Salary: $13,428,129

5.7 ppg, 6.4 rpg, 1.6 bpg

Andre Iguodala

Philadelphia 76ers (26-28)

2010-2011 Salary: $12,345,250

14.4 ppg, 5.7 rpg, 6.0 apg

Marcus Banks

New Orleans Hornets (33-23)

2010-2011 Salary: $4,847,586

2.0 ppg, 1.0 apg, 0.3 spg

Ben Gordon
Detroit Pistons (20-36)2010-2011 Salary: $10,800,000 

12.7 ppg, 2.6 rpg, 2.3 apg

Marco JaricMemphis Grizzlies (30-26) 

2010-2011 Salary: $7,625,000

0.0 ppg, 0.0 apg, 0.0 spg

Mike Dunleavy, Jr. 

Indiana Pacers (24-28)

2010-2011 Salary: $10,561,984

11.8 ppg, 4.9 rpg, 1.9 apg

Nick Collison 

Oklahoma City Thunder (34-19)

2010-2011 Salary: $13,270,000

4.4 ppg, 4.4 rpg, 0.5 bpg

Joe Johnson 

Atlanta Hawks (34-20)

2010-2011 Salary: $16,324,500

20.1 ppg, 4.2 rpg, 5.4 apg

Kenyon Martin 

Denver Nuggets (31-25)

2010-2011 Salary: $16,545,454

6.0 ppg, 5.1 rpg, 0.8 bpg

Gilbert Arenas 

Orlando Magic (35-21)

2010-2011 Salary: $17,730,694

12.4 ppg, 4.7 apg, 1.1 spg

Andrei Kirilenko 

Utah Jazz (31-24)

2010-2011 Salary: $17,823,000

11.7 ppg, 5.6 rpg, 1.3 bpg

Jason Richardson 

Orlando Magic (35-21)

2010-2011 Salary: $14,444,443

16.6 ppg, 4.2 rpg, 1.6 apg

Luke Walton 

Los Angeles Lakers (38-18)

2010-2011 Salary: $5,260,000

1.9 ppg, 1.3 apg, 1.1 apg

About lemarmclean

I am a writer born and raised in New York City.

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