50% of Newlywed Gays Already Miserable

NEW YORK – In the wake of the recent passage of the same-sex marriage bill and, it appears that the rainbow honeymoon is over. Today’s instant census reported not even the Gay Pride Parade could help that half of the same-sex couples to tie the knot since Friday evening already regret their decision to make the lifetime commitment of legal partnership.

“What on Earth were we thinking?” said Carol Burmeister to her wife Shania. “It’s only been a few days, and I kind of hate you already.” The Burmeisters’ 8-year relationship was apparently no match for marriage, as evidenced by their conversation that escalated into a melodramatic scene in a Starbucks downtown. Similar exchanges were overheard this weekend all over the city at parks, brunches, and other places where domesticated couples congregate. Endless bickering could actually be heard over the booming fireworks display over the Hudson River on Sunday night.

See? They are just like everyone else!

Despite the civil liberties afforded to married same-sex couples under the bill, the institution of marriage has proven unsustainable to many of the city’s most devoted pairs. “We were just fine before we had the ceremony,” said bartender Trent Vaughn of his marriage to long-time partner Phil Baines. “Maybe the church was doing us a favor with all the fuss because we can’t figure out what else is different. Why would breeders subject themselves to such baffling dismay?”

The Catholic Church all but gloated upon learning of the displeasure that gays and lesbians were experiencing after marriage. Bishop Nicholas DiMarzio of Brooklyn announced that the happening was “a divine indication that the sanctity of marriage would always be protected by the Lord, no matter what manmade laws try to undermine it.”

When asked how his statement worked to reconcile the misery that heterosexual couples experience in marriage, Bishop DiMarzio’s head exploded, demonstrating that logic may be a formidable answer to nonsensical church doctrine after all. It is hard to determine whether his congregation’s shock was in response to being covered in brain matter or if they had suddently discovered the sham that their belief system is.

Hopefully, the divorces that will definitely come from this matrimonial unrest will lead to the children of same-sex parents splitting time between two well-adjusted single-parent households instead of one terribly dysfunctional household with parents who dream of strangling the person with whom they vowed to spend a lifetime.

About lemarmclean

I am a writer born and raised in New York City.

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