Michael Jordan Fires Team, Buys Kentucky Wildcats

At Bobcats practice: "Do you guys really want to get schooled by a 49-year-old man in a turtleneck?"

In an unprecedented front office move, Charlotte Bobcats owner Michael Jordan secured the draft rights to the NCAA champion Kentucky Wildcats. Most well known as the greatest basketball player of all time, Jordan’s reputation as a sports executive has been nothing short of disastrous. Reporters, wondering how NBA Commissioner David Stern could concede such a power play, found Jordan during a round of golf, but all he said was, “I’m Michael Jordan, remember?”

Back at the clubhouse of the Olde Sycamore Golf Plantation, Jordan warmed up to the press and came clean about why he was essentially preparing to replace his entire team with 15 college kids. “There’s no way that I can accept owning the 4th best basketball team in North Carolina,” Jordan said. “Sometimes all you can do is start fresh. Shave your head bald, take a year off and play baseball, fire all your players and buy new ones. It’s all in the name of winning the game of basketball.”

NBA coaches and sports media insiders have already laughed at what they expect to be yet another bad move in the annals of great players failing at their post-retirement ventures. Weeks ago, Orlando Magic head coach Stan Van Gundy went on record to say that the Wildcats could not possibly defeat the Washington Wizards, a team experiencing woes comparable to that of the Bobcats.

However, basketball fans have seen enough of the condensed 2011-2012 NBA season to know that the teamwork and selflessness exhibited by the Wildcats might just be the antidote for overpaid, egocentric, underachievement masquerading as cohesive units at the bottom of the league’s standings.

Jordan clearly hopes to catch lightning in a bottle, in which the Wildcats—who are that good—will erase the memory of the current Bobcats—who are that turrible. Other NBA owners have yet to contest Jordan’s acquisition of 15 college players, a blatant disregard of the league’s draft system. Their silence suggests that they expect Jordan to revert this talented group of draft gold into more of the straw that has barely been holding up his joke of an organization.

Rumors have surfaced that current Bobcat players have expressed bemusement and dejection via Twitter. Unfortunately, none of the tweets were intelligible enough to confirm any reactions.

About lemarmclean

I am a writer born and raised in New York City.

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