Catholics Sue God For Unanswered Prayers, Discover He Couldn’t Care Less

In this harsh economy, not even omnipotence puts you above the law.

An organization called American Catholics for Prosperity has filed a class action suit against God for breach of contract, citing that the Creator of Heaven and Earth failed to answer prayer requests in exchange for 10% of their earnings over the course of several generations. This legal action is the first of its kind, placing Our Lord and Savior on the defensive for failing to register an adequate return on investment. The full dollar amount of the suit has yet to be disclosed—pending a final tally of complainants—but early projections put the minimum figure in the low bajillions.

Nazareth Securities, the independent auditing firm that ACP hired, alleges that God has been misappropriating funds to go on lavish sex vacations. Church intermediaries obeyed subpoenas to open their books, subsequently clearing them of any financial wrongdoing but exposing that none of the money they have transferred into God’s accounts over the years has gone toward His allotted line items, which include ‘college admissions,’ ‘healthy babies,’ or ‘football victories.’ An anonymous church estate manager would not explain how God would even need manmade currency to carry out his duties. And when asked of God’s possible whereabouts, the man would only divulge a general area called known as Mysterious Ways.

But there is no mystery when it comes to the damning evidence already made public by the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit Himself. For instance, one of God’s most recent Facebook status updates included an Instagram photo of a beach with his reclined bare feet in the foreground (caption: “Every day’s a Sunday. #gettinit”). Also, preliminary findings have revealed a connection to PayPal deposits to Mandrill Wildlife LLC, which Nazareth Securities discovered to be the code name of a high-end, underground swinger party collective.

Screen Shot 2014-04-08 at 2.07.54 AM

Even the Great Bracket Maker in the Sky has better things to do than care about a game children play for free to make adults rich.

From God's Instagram: "What was that about a pay raise? Sorry I wasn't paying attention because I was busy making things like THIS! #priorities"

Another from God’s Instagram: “What was that about a pay raise? Sorry I wasn’t paying attention because I was busy making things like THIS! #priorities”

But whether social media or the e-paper trail will be admissible in court remains in doubt, mainly because it depends on whether the judge presiding over the case wants to risk a good old-fashioned smiting. One church official (not involved with the suit) voiced his relief that a wise person would likely avoid the God’s wrath.

“It would have been a waste of time to subpoena this church; we barely keep the lights on with our modest congregation’s generosity,” said Greg O’Dwyer, priest/treasurer/janitor at the Mission Church of St. Gemma in Camden, New Jersey.  “But even if there’s some sketchy business that the Lord is up to, not a whole lot a gavel can do against hurricanes, AIDS, or the Eagles letting DeSean Jackson get away. So yeah, good luck with that.”

To date, God has been unavailable for comment, but what else is new?

About lemarmclean

I am a writer born and raised in New York City.

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