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TRENDING: Men Score Big When Using Moms as Wingmen

Despite the high concentration of single twenty-somethings in New York City, finding “the one” continues to be a challenge for the majority of these young professionals. Researchers have cited delays in career security and increased mate selectivity as the practical reasons that New Yorkers marry later in life than any generation before it. But a […]

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Lowly Knicks to Field D-League Roster for Remainder of Season

Following a 15-game losing streak (by an average margin of 15 points per game), New York Knicks President Phil Jackson has decided to replace the virtually the entire Knicks roster with players from the Westchester Knicks, the team’s development league affiliate. Jackson and NY Knicks head coach Derek Fisher found inspiration for this move when […]

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It Happened To HIM: Aspiring Feminist Man’s Head Explodes

AMES, IOWA—Employees of Solomon & Sons Distribution and Delivery are thankful that the open office remodel plan fell through last year following the fatal cranial explosion suffered by Mack Washburn, aged 43, last Tuesday. According to coworkers, the former Associate VP of Sales-Southwest Division was a mild-mannered bachelor upon whom they could always rely for […]

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Man Changes Gyms, Causes Stir on Twitter for Some Reason

BROOKLYN, NY— “This is CL Mac, and I’ll see YOU at Blink Fitness in 2015,” he said as Blink manager Harriet T held his phone so he could record the video announcement. Independent exercise enthusiast CL Mac appeared at the Gates Avenue location of Blink Fitness to confirm to his followers that he would be […]

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Kid With Cancer Inks Deal With Dismal Sixers, Will Get Playing Time

PHILADELPHIA, PA—Tommy Winsome was five years away from being born the last time the Philadelphia 76ers competed for an NBA championship. But now that 9-year-old Winsome—currently battling leukemia—has joined the team, the Sixers are poised to win one in Tommy’s lifetime. Winsome signed an honorary 1-day contract with the team last week, during which he […]

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STUDY: You Might Actually Have A Racist Bone in Your Body

BERKELEY, CALIFORNIA–A recent scientific discovery will now force people to think twice when claiming not to have any racist bones in their bodies. According to the Committee for Racial and Cultural Knowledge in America, a nationwide study has determined that a the human skeletal system may be responsible for generalized discriminatory thoughts and behaviors toward […]

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Olympics Boots Wrestling, Tags In Sports Entertainment For 2016

LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND—The collective sigh of relief from amateur wrestling purists came to an abrupt choke point last night, when the International Olympic Committee announced that Sports Entertainment would replace Wrestling as a core event at the 2016 Summer Games in Rio De Janeiro. As the more modern derivative of a sport that had been a […]

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GOP Christians Protest Good Friday, Demand Christ History Month

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The steps of the United States Capitol echoed with righteous commotion this morning as members of Congress staged a protest against the observance of Good Friday. 33 elected representatives of the American people, identifying as a Republican Christian group called The New Romans, harrumphed and ranted toward passersby that “One day is not enough! […]

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Catholics Sue God For Unanswered Prayers, Discover He Couldn’t Care Less

In this harsh economy, not even omnipotence puts you above the law. An organization called American Catholics for Prosperity has filed a class action suit against God for breach of contract, citing that the Creator of Heaven and Earth failed to answer prayer requests in exchange for 10% of their earnings over the course of […]

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Erection of Statue of Religious Liberty in US Canceled By Group That Actually Believes In It

SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA—The OmniFaith Union, keeper of the Statues of Religious Liberty, has decided against donating one to the United States, citing that “the US has demonstrated a significant disinterest in honoring its own ideals, using the very same freedom it has claimed to espouse for centuries to impinge on the freedom of those less […]

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Shy Comic Nerd Adopts Puppy, Gets All The Women Ever

PROSPECT PARK, BROOKLYN—Carl Givens, a 34-year-old comic book archivist, began his foray into online dating in his mid-twenties as his discomfort in the bar scene led to anxiety attacks. “I figured that if I could present the best, most honest and likable version of myself on a webpage, where I don’t have to shout over […]

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Healthy Women Struggle with ‘Thin Shaming,’ The New American Frontier

REAL AMERICA—While liberal media outlets have spent countless inches on the prevalent shaming of overweight women in pop culture and beyond, a swath of American women suffer from reverse discrimination on the weight spectrum. Commonly recognized as ’thin shaming,’ these incidents of antagonism have gone from a casually accepted reactionary trend to borderline abuse of […]

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8 Super Bowl Headlines That You Missed During Your Hangover

Well, Humanoids, the Big Game has come and gone. You survived the hangover, the half-hearted conversations about commercials that you half-remember, and a game the Denver Broncos would rather forget altogether. And in the wake of the drug-induced demise of actor Phillip Seymour Hoffman, the offerings from Monday’s newsfeeds kept your glazed-over eyes company after […]

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Man With No TV Doesn’t Understand Why Everyone Is So Upset Today

NEW YORK, NY—Henry Fairbanks has prided himself on making his customers smile before they leave his stall at the Union Square farmers’ market. But this Monday morning, his skill failed him with staggering consistency. “I know it wasn’t the cold, because I’ve contended with that just fine in the past,” said Fairbanks, as a woman […]

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Tinder Tips: Advice from an A**hole – Part 2

Ladies, ladies, ladies…to those of you who heeded my advice and revised your Tinder profiles for optimal eligibility: congratulations. You trusted that I would not steer you wrong and now are in healthy relationships as only a mobile app can facilitate. But there are others of you whose dating challenges are apparently more chronic than […]

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Blackface Shootings Terrify College Kids, Frustrate Police

AMERICA—This past weekend passed as it does every year, with modest numbers of white college students donning their most clever blackface to authenticate their Halloween costumes. But the thoughtfully edgy tradition celebrated by undergrads all over the country met an unfriendly reception from law enforcement, as a rash of shootings took the lives of 44 […]

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Retired Basketball Star Confesses That He Is Happily Married

ATLANTA—Program executives at NBA TV are nervously awaiting the fallout of one of their newest host’s earth-shattering announcement. Former All-Star forward Grant Hill, co-host of the revival of NBA Inside Stuff, declared to a small gathering of reporters last night that he is devoted to his wife and two daughters. Tying the knot in 1999, […]

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GTA V Poses New Threat to American Families…and It’s Not Even Out Yet

AMERICA—The long anticipated sequel to the Grand Theft Auto video game series has already broken preorder records. But the game’s apparent popularity has done nothing to reduce the controversy that has followed it since its first installment in 1997. But this time, instead of the ultraviolent gameplay being blamed for our moral decay, men and […]

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Goblin King Maintains Innocence, Wants World To Know The Truth

CASTLE—Despite appeals to law enforcement, Jareth the Goblin King remains in exile after Sarah told police that Jareth abducted her baby brother Toby. Jareth claims that the past 25 years have been “hellish,” in part because he has been unable to update his wardrobe since 1988. “They simply don’t make a good codpiece in the […]

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Seattle to NBA: We Don’t Murder Black People

SEATTLE, WA—Local basketball fans are seizing an opportunity amid national tragedy: they’ve launched a campaign to become the new home of either the Orlando Magic or the Miami Heat. Recently, Seattle’s desire for an NBA franchise to replace their Supersonics intensified after talks of the Sacramento Kings relocation fell through. And with the looming boycotts […]

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Bloomberg to Garnett, Pierce: “Spread your cheeks and lift your sack!”

NEW YORK, NY—Mayor Mike Bloomberg has put the city on Amber Alert for the impending arrival of NBA stars Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce. Upon joining the Brooklyn Nets this summer, the former Boston Celtics have been placed at the top of all New York Police Department watch lists. Further, Bloomberg has ordered mandatory cavity […]

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Dove Washes Hands Of D-Wade And His Weird Clothes

As all the participants in the 2013 NBA Finals try to remain focused as the series approaches its end, Dwyane Wade will be challenged unlike the rest. This morning, the star guard of the Miami Heat officially joined rappers Rick Ross and Lil Wayne as the latest celebrity to lose his corporate sponsorship in 2013. […]

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Man Defriends Everyone, Blames “Game of Thrones”

BROOKLYN, NY—Rod Canty used to be a popular guy on Facebook, boasting nearly two thousand friends, all of whom he’d met in person. But following last week’s ‘Red Wedding’ episode of Game of Thrones, he decided to delete his Facebook account. Apparently Canty, who does not have an HBO subscription and has never seen an […]

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DreamTweets: First Lady Michelle Obama

She has seized the reins of history. Her mere presence is a shining example of what could be. First Lady Michelle Obama stands as one glimmer of hope in a country on the brink of absolute moral bankruptcy, an unlikely yet perfectly qualified voice of the true American spirit. We, the people, look on in […]

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NBA’s Bobcats to Become Hornets Again, Insects Upset

CHARLOTTE, NC—North Carolina’s wasp population has banded together to protest Michael Jordan’s plan to restore the Hornets name to his NBA franchise. Currently known as the Bobcats, the team’s recent trend of futility has human residents of the city taking the threat of growing wasp ire seriously. Since Jordan’s announcement last week, EpiPens have disappeared […]

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Expelled High School Terror Suspect Wilmot Opts to Go Pro

BARTOW, FLORIDA–“It’s about damn time,” said the publicist of Kiera Wilmot, the 16-year-old who became the consensus #1 prospect for the 2013 signing period of the World Terrorism Federation yesterday. Terror scouts—none of whom had even heard of Wilmot before her arrest for detonating a water bottle filled with household products last week—have been scrambling […]

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Former ESPNers Parker and Broussard to Join Fox News

 NEW YORK, NY—In their continued commitment to diversity, the News Corp. executives at Fox News are developing a new show for former ESPN reporters Rob Parker and Chris Broussard. After attracting negative attention following their comments about Robert Griffin III and Jason Collins, respectively, Parker and Broussard plan to co-anchor Cornballs from Hell, a nightly […]

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Lakers Release Short List of Potential D’Antoni Replacements

As the Los Angeles Lakers’ troubled season ended with a whimper in their first-round elimination on Sunday, the Lakers front office was already in attack mode. Eager to avoid another winless playoff appearance next season, questions have arisen about whether Mike D’Antoni is the right coach to make the adjustments needed for a group that […]

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“Accidental Racist” Unites Bigots Against Awful Music

CHELSEA, ALABAMA—The unofficially segregated Wal-Mart outside of Birmingham resembled the 2013 Presidential Inauguration this morning…if it had been bombed with nitrous oxide. Black and white shoppers embraced each other to keep from “rofl’ing,” and all evidence suggests that this happening was a mass response to the new LL Cool J/Brad Paisley song, Accidental Racist. Although […]

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Father of 2 Surrenders, Buys Fanny Pack

ORLANDO, FL—The self-proclaimed League of Cool Dads is a league of 1 with the excommunication of one of its founders during the annual Joint Family Vacation at Disney World. The ousting came in response to Gil Benitez’s violation of Cool Dad Rule #2: No Fanny Packs. Ever. “They’ll do what they gotta do, and so […]

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Woman Doesn’t Shave Legs, Still Gets Date

NEW YORK, NY—‘Twas a weekend like most in the city, legions of young singles sprinkled throughout the hundreds of bars across Manhattan on the prowl for the flesh of another. But last Saturday, the eve before the resurrection of Christ, a miracle took place that rivals Jesus’s return. Phoebe Mikkelson, 28, got the text message […]

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Tinder Tips: Advice from an A**hole

I get it, ladies. That clock is ticking, and it’s been hard to meet adult men now that the well of college guys has long dried up. You’ve tried the set-ups by friends, even tried Match.com, but you’ve still come up loveless. And all these false starts have led you to the most logical next […]

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Miami Heat Bored, Considering Switch to ‘Hall of Fame’ Difficulty

ORLANDO, FL—Following their 27th consecutive win, the Miami Heat celebrated beating the Magic with a disinterested sigh as they jogged back to the visiting locker room, not a drop of sweat among them. Before reaching the bus, star forward LeBron James admitted that in order for his team to stay hungry, they will have to […]

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Toronto Mayor Suing NBA Refs for Howard Ejection

TORONTO, ONTARIO—As of Monday, NBA fans from one of the league’s most miserable cities can officially say that Rob Ford has their back. Ford, the 64th mayor of Toronto, filed suit yesterday against the officials who presided over Sunday’s Raptors showdown against the Los Angeles Lakers. Ford claims that the 1st-half ejection of Lakers center […]

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Spurs’ Jackson Owes $25K For Bad Grammar

NEW YORK CITY—This past Sunday, the NBA fined San Antonio Spurs forward Stephen Jackson $25,000 for a tweet that grossly violated the league’s social networking policy. Given Jackson’s history of misbehavior—from his involvement in the 2004 brawl between the Indiana Pacers and the people of Detroit, to shooting his gun in the air outside of […]

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What The New Orleans Pelicans COULD Have Been Named

Tom Benson, owner of the NFL’s New Orleans Saints and the NBA’s New Orleans Hornets, announced that he is renaming his basketball team The Pelicans. The 86-year-old businessman also released the two other names in the running. Pelicans won over both The Krewe and The Brass, both of which have more cultural relevance to the […]

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LA Lakers Cancelled After 63 Seasons

LOS ANGELES, CA–Due to uncharacteristically low ratings, NBA Commissioner David Stern has decided to pull the plug on one of the league’s longest running programs. Following a promising summer of casting changes, which have not panned out, the O’Brien Award-winning franchise failed to emulate its former greatness in its first 17 episodes of season 63, […]

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Romney Concession Speech Leaks, Plagiarism Suspected…Again

WASHINGTON, DC—A thorough investigation of Romney campaign staffers is underway following the unauthorized release of what has been confirmed as Governor Mitt Romney’s concession speech for the 2012 Presidential Election. That the speech was confirmed sent to Romney headquarters and approved on October 15 may have been the greatest cause for concern surrounding the incident, […]

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God: “Marathons are gay”

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Christian Broadcasting Network televangelist Pat Robertson has used his television show, The 700 Club, as a platform to explain natural phenomena in terms of God’s will for decades. And on Friday, in the wake of Hurricane Sandy, Robertson announced that he received divine justification for the recent disaster. According to Robertson, God’s endgame […]

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Eagles Guitarist Plagued by Death Threats, Identify Theft

LOS ANGELES, CA—Rock and Roll Hall of Famer Joe Walsh donned a hoodie and sunglasses while ordering his coffee at the Starbucks on Melrose and North Stanley Avenues yesterday morning. Although Walsh had previously relished in the appreciation of his diehard fans, his decision to travel incognito has become a matter of survival. “This idiot […]

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GOP To Rescind Romney Nomination, Request Do-Over

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The cable news networks have been scrambling for clues about the Republican Party’s replacement for Mitt Romney in the 2012 presidential election. The GOP’s banishment of the challenger this week came as no surprise after the latest brazen exhibitions of Romney’s preference to serve the country’s more affluent while cutting his political losses with […]

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Fox News Signs Eastwood’s Chair to TV Deal

NEW YORK, NY—Ever quick to ride the momentum of proven success, the television executives at Fox News headquarters were busy all weekend drafting paperwork to woo and secure the broadcast rights to the empty chair Clint Eastwood spent his 12-minute speech talking to during the Republican National Convention in Tampa, Florida. Then depicting an invisible […]

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WRs Owens and Johnson Dropped by Orville Redenbacher

Couch snack powerhouse Orville Redenbacher announced yesterday via Twitter that they will no longer sponsor Terrell Owens and Chad Johnson, who helped boost their sales while providing comic relief with the mediocre Cincinnati Bengals in 2010. The Redenbacher endorsement is one of many that have recently vanished like Owens and Johnson’s NFL roster spots. The […]

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Magic GM Outsources Howard Hate Letter to Cavs Owner

ORLANDO, FL—A dark cloud looms over central Florida in the wake of former Orlando Magic center Dwight Howard’s departure. Officially becoming a Los Angeles Laker this past weekend, Howard has slowly broken the hearts of Magic fans for the past few seasons, publicly announcing—then denying and announcing again—his desire to play elsewhere. And despite the […]

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Billboard Levies Death Penalty Against Michael Jackson…Posthumously

NEW YORK, NY—The offices of Billboard Magazine received thousands of unexpected visitors yesterday morning, and they weren’t looking for free subscriptions. The sea of irate people blanketing the street came out in protest of Billboard’s controversial decision to nullify all of the Top 10 listings of the late Michael Jackson. The erasure of Jackson’s chart […]

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[BREAKING NEWS] Team USA Injured From Being Too Good, Listed As “Every Other Day”

LONDON, U.K.—The dominance of global competition by the USA men’s basketball team proved a forgone conclusion until Saturday’s 99-95 win over Lithuania. The narrow margin of victory has since revived questions about whether this 2012 team is as good as the record-breaking 83-point victory over Nigeria on Thursday suggested. Almost immediately after the Lithuania game, […]

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Boston Boots Racists, Becomes Town

BOSTON, MA— The calm civility exhibited throughout Boston baffled tourists who had ventured into New England’s largest city yesterday for the profane antagonism that makes every trip to Boston more authentic. Unfortunately for those disappointed visitors, they arranged their trips before Mayor Thomas Menino doubled down on his recent crusade against intolerance last Friday by […]

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OWS Targets US Navy for C___blocking

NEW YORK CITY—As thousands of America’s military servicemen swarmed the Big Apple in search of relaxation, good times, and reverence by civilians, the Occupy army stood in opposition of this time-honored tradition. During Monday evening’s General Assembly, an all-male contingent of the country’s latest counterculture movement came forward against Fleet Week, citing their inability to […]

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NBA Fines Celtics Fan For Ref Bashing

NEW YORK CITY—As the NBA Playoffs continue into its Conference Semifinal round, the subplots have thickened from every aspect of the sport, including injured star players, impulsive self-sabotage, and the ever popular criticism of game officials. During David Stern’s tenure as league commissioner, fines against NBA players and coaches have become as common as their […]

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NBA Approves Symbols In Lieu Of Jersey Numbers

BOSTON—As the NBA playoffs heat up, Boston Celtics President of Basketball Operations Danny Ainge is keeping things interesting off the court with the passing of his latest petition to league Commissioner David Stern. Starting next season, Stern will allow symbols to be used in place of jersey numbers. With a league record 21 retired jerseys […]

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